Moments of Confusion

There have been some absolutely horrible moments of confusion I’ve experienced in the past couple of days.  One moment I begin to think that things could be worked out and then reality strikes – quickly.  I hear a statement that upsets and angers me or an action that leaves me wanting to yell and scream.

It really is better that I move on with my life as there is too much negativity surrounding this entire situation.  Comments that are made in regards to my son being “a pain in the ass” or “annoying” get to me.  The more I think about just how negative and selfish “T” might be, the more I see this as a very positive move in bub’s and my life.

Recently, T began a new hobby.  I had to work the night this hobby had to be started, and upon returning home, I was told that bubs was in his face, annoying, and wouldn’t listen.  His behavior, according to T, was horrible.  I shot off a look after he made a few more degrading statements about bubs and he said, “I guess I could have offered him a bit to keep him out of my hair.”

Yes, I guess you could have done that, but why would you?  You truly are the most selfish man I’ve ever met.

I’m finding more resolve to move on with my life as the days go by.  It is very challenging, none the less, but important – for many reasons.

It happened today.

While sitting on the couch, it happened. That conversation that began as his “thoughts” were being shared. So many emotions were spinning within, unable to really recognize anything in particular except for the pending upheaval. I fought back the tears – and then it happened.

He threw it over to me, the conversation, that is. He asked what I thought. With my emotions surging and thoughts racing I found myself unable to focus and told him so. I excused myself briefly, put my son in the tub and came back out – for the question…

What do you think we should do?

What do I think?? How can I think? I’ve invested time, energy, money, self and son into this relationship and you want to know what I think at this moment in time? You’ve just sat here and told me exactly how you feel and that you think it is best we spend some time apart, move on and go our separate ways. It sounds to me as though you’ve stated exactly what you want and yet you are throwing this back on me. WHY? What is it exactly you are wanting to accomplish with that? Okay – you can’t handle saying it, I understand. I have to be the one to make the final decision as you don’t feel as though you can be a “bad guy.” Whatever.

So I stated, as calmly as I could, all the while fighting back the tears that couldn’t stop rolling down my face for the life of me, “I guess you’ve made yourself clear and it’s best we make our arrangements and go our separate ways.”

And that was it. Today marks the end of that relationship, though he did request some “time to think” after the fact. There’s no thinking. This relationship has been detrimental to myself for some time and there’s no turning back now. He requested the end – the end is what he’s getting. There’s no way I can playcate the roller coaster ride that seems to be desired by him.

Amicable? Perhaps. We’ll see what the next few weeks of very little talking, sleeping in separate rooms, and beginning the process of moving forward brings. It’s saddening and not because of my loss, but as this is the only person my son has known as “dad” has made it clear that his intentions are to begin his life anew – as he’s “too selfish” for a family right now. So be it.

There’s the short story to the beginning of a long and challenging chapter in the life of my son and me.