While sitting on the couch, it happened. That conversation that began as his “thoughts” were being shared. So many emotions were spinning within, unable to really recognize anything in particular except for the pending upheaval. I fought back the tears – and then it happened.
He threw it over to me, the conversation, that is. He asked what I thought. With my emotions surging and thoughts racing I found myself unable to focus and told him so. I excused myself briefly, put my son in the tub and came back out – for the question…
What do you think we should do?
What do I think?? How can I think? I’ve invested time, energy, money, self and son into this relationship and you want to know what I think at this moment in time? You’ve just sat here and told me exactly how you feel and that you think it is best we spend some time apart, move on and go our separate ways. It sounds to me as though you’ve stated exactly what you want and yet you are throwing this back on me. WHY? What is it exactly you are wanting to accomplish with that? Okay – you can’t handle saying it, I understand. I have to be the one to make the final decision as you don’t feel as though you can be a “bad guy.” Whatever.
So I stated, as calmly as I could, all the while fighting back the tears that couldn’t stop rolling down my face for the life of me, “I guess you’ve made yourself clear and it’s best we make our arrangements and go our separate ways.”
And that was it. Today marks the end of that relationship, though he did request some “time to think” after the fact. There’s no thinking. This relationship has been detrimental to myself for some time and there’s no turning back now. He requested the end – the end is what he’s getting. There’s no way I can playcate the roller coaster ride that seems to be desired by him.
Amicable? Perhaps. We’ll see what the next few weeks of very little talking, sleeping in separate rooms, and beginning the process of moving forward brings. It’s saddening and not because of my loss, but as this is the only person my son has known as “dad” has made it clear that his intentions are to begin his life anew – as he’s “too selfish” for a family right now. So be it.
There’s the short story to the beginning of a long and challenging chapter in the life of my son and me.
