Life here was much better this weekend.
There was some fantastic quality time spent, cooking, and indulging in foods untasted prior by my son.
Dinner yesterday consisted of Navajo Tacos and Snickerdoodles for dessert.
We played, laughed and overall had a fantastic time.
What a wonderful way to spend my day off work.
Now, the new week will be faced with a much better outlook.
As I mentioned in my earlier post today, eBay was one place I would head. And I did.
I’ve been looking at one particular system for bubs for Christmas. If I had to buy it new, I didn’t have a problem with that, however, being the wise shopper, always looking for a deal, I scoured eBay for a couple of weeks watching numerous items that all fell into the same system by V Tech.
This morning, prior to running out the door to work, I placed a bid much lower than many were going for in auction, however assumed that if it was meant to be, I would win the auction at that amount (a meager $35.00.) That was the case! The entire package has a retail value of roughly $75 and I walked away, including shipping with about a $30 savings. Nice.
It’s not easy adjusting from a two-income to single income household. There are definitely expenses that drop with their being one less person here, such as groceries and utilities. However, last night, when picking bubs up from the sitter, I did find one bill that definitely increased with the lack of a partner.
I feel very fortunate that I took the opportunity months ago to get a running start on Christmas shopping. Although there are now things I won’t use (ebay, here I come!), I do have a fair amount of items ready to go for bubs. It’s not going to be a monstrous Christmas, by any means, but he definitely will have a few good things and I’m working on getting a couple more items and that will be it (ebay, here I come!).
I’m a stickler for finding good deals. It’s a downfall of mine. If I can find something for even $10 cheaper (with shipping) than what I’d pay in the store, I’m game! There’s tons of discount places online that offer great products at a reduced rate. I jump for those deals, too.
Aside from the two things left to purchase for bubs, he’s due for many more books. That will be the fun shopping ahead… Barnes & Nobel, here I come!
With that, work, here I come.
There have been some absolutely horrible moments of confusion I’ve experienced in the past couple of days. One moment I begin to think that things could be worked out and then reality strikes – quickly. I hear a statement that upsets and angers me or an action that leaves me wanting to yell and scream.
It really is better that I move on with my life as there is too much negativity surrounding this entire situation. Comments that are made in regards to my son being “a pain in the ass” or “annoying” get to me. The more I think about just how negative and selfish “T” might be, the more I see this as a very positive move in bub’s and my life.
Recently, T began a new hobby. I had to work the night this hobby had to be started, and upon returning home, I was told that bubs was in his face, annoying, and wouldn’t listen. His behavior, according to T, was horrible. I shot off a look after he made a few more degrading statements about bubs and he said, “I guess I could have offered him a bit to keep him out of my hair.”
Yes, I guess you could have done that, but why would you? You truly are the most selfish man I’ve ever met.
I’m finding more resolve to move on with my life as the days go by. It is very challenging, none the less, but important – for many reasons.
Stress is an evil thing. I have to say. It manifests in some of the strangest ways. There are times when I end up with a migraine, indigestion, intestinal issues, and body aches.
Oh boy, are the body aches the worst. Every possible joint in my body from my shoulders to ankles absolutely hurt. I’m not fond of aching in this manner, but it’s a sure-fire sign that I’m stressed. Considering all that has transpired and is continuing to occur as the days go by, I understand it’s root. Hopefully the next few days at work will be easy on this body of mine and perhaps in a few weeks I’ll feel much better.
Tomorrow marks a big step in my moving forward with my life. I’m making the necessary arrangements with my landlord, utility company and child care provider. It’s going to be a difficult but necessary step in this whole process.
C’est la vie.
It’s challenging to go through a break-up at this time of the year with the holidays fast approaching. There are less than fifty days until Christmas. The thought of expenses sends shivers down my spine.
I’m busily making plans, however, to go through this transaction in our lives and find a means to still provide a few “Santa” gifts for my son. With many expenses, I’m unsure just what I’ll be capable of accomplishing, however, I’m definitely examining my options.
On a bright side, I did start Christmas shopping months ago and do have a few things already. I’m also working diligently on having a few personal essays submitted for publication in the coming weeks. I’ll also have to investigate a few options for photography as well. Those hobbies of mine might provide all the means necessary to ensure this holiday season isn’t a complete bust…
I’m also actively looking for a new place to live. It’s going to be a daunting task as the winter season is upon us and snowfall is coming quickly. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get some new furniture for the place I decide in the process. Life is definitely taking on a different shape and form. It’s good to have change though, especially when the past few months have been quite challenging.
At the moment, it’s still difficult while we are living under the same roof. There are more than a few awkward moments, but it shouldn’t be long before life settles down again – so I hope.
As much as I don’t want to spend time away from my son right now, I’m also looking for a different job; one where I will make a more stable paycheck and maintain my other job on a part-time, two night a week basis for the additional income. The end of 2007 is definitely bringing many changes with it. I hope those changes prove to be good in the end.
I’ve thought much in recent weeks with the demise of this relationship coming quickly about all the things I have shrugged off and overlooked in the time we’ve been together. I’ve been working on a list of what I don’t wants, which leads me to some sort of idea about what I do want.
It’s challenging to think about all those things at this moment, but I do want to jot some things down as a recollection in the future…
I don’t want someone who believes slap-stick humor is the best humor around and insists that I should enjoy the childish, crude and degrading “humor.” (The occasional slap-stick comedy is okay.)
I don’t want someone who can’t find another verb to use in place of foul language. There are countless other words that can – and should – be used.
I don’t want someone in my life who has more issues than me. I have enough to contend with to add all of that on top.
I don’t want someone in my life who finds enjoyment out of degrading others to make himself feel more worthy.
I don’t want someone who is “too selfish” for a family.
I don’t want someone who believes the way to your heart is through your pants… I am a person, not just a ‘thing.’
I do want someone who is kind.
I do want someone who will spend the night dancing with me to every slow song possible.
I do want to receive flowers – not daily, but occasionally would be nice.
I want someone who is going to accept me without focusing on my faults (and I do have them!)
I want someone who is going to boost me up, not leave me feeling unappreciated.
I want someone who enjoys the arts. Concerts are fantastic, but museums, galleries, and plays are wonderful too.
I want someone who is going to respect the fact that I have a child and encourage him to be first in my life.
I want someone I’m dying to run home and tell my family about… I want him to offer all the giddy feelings I never could think possible.
Most of all, I want someone who is true: True to self, true to other and true to my son and me.
While sitting on the couch, it happened. That conversation that began as his “thoughts” were being shared. So many emotions were spinning within, unable to really recognize anything in particular except for the pending upheaval. I fought back the tears – and then it happened.
He threw it over to me, the conversation, that is. He asked what I thought. With my emotions surging and thoughts racing I found myself unable to focus and told him so. I excused myself briefly, put my son in the tub and came back out – for the question…
What do you think we should do?
What do I think?? How can I think? I’ve invested time, energy, money, self and son into this relationship and you want to know what I think at this moment in time? You’ve just sat here and told me exactly how you feel and that you think it is best we spend some time apart, move on and go our separate ways. It sounds to me as though you’ve stated exactly what you want and yet you are throwing this back on me. WHY? What is it exactly you are wanting to accomplish with that? Okay – you can’t handle saying it, I understand. I have to be the one to make the final decision as you don’t feel as though you can be a “bad guy.” Whatever.
So I stated, as calmly as I could, all the while fighting back the tears that couldn’t stop rolling down my face for the life of me, “I guess you’ve made yourself clear and it’s best we make our arrangements and go our separate ways.”
And that was it. Today marks the end of that relationship, though he did request some “time to think” after the fact. There’s no thinking. This relationship has been detrimental to myself for some time and there’s no turning back now. He requested the end – the end is what he’s getting. There’s no way I can playcate the roller coaster ride that seems to be desired by him.
Amicable? Perhaps. We’ll see what the next few weeks of very little talking, sleeping in separate rooms, and beginning the process of moving forward brings. It’s saddening and not because of my loss, but as this is the only person my son has known as “dad” has made it clear that his intentions are to begin his life anew – as he’s “too selfish” for a family right now. So be it.
There’s the short story to the beginning of a long and challenging chapter in the life of my son and me.
